[advicee] mum problems again

[beansbeans!]

I need some advice.

So for those of you who may remember. Mum invited herself down for christmas. She arrived, was here for 6 days. Made my life hell, and in the end left on boxing day. I havent spoken to her since then and I have no intention of speaking to her in the future.

This week is her birthday, I dont know how I should deal with it. Should I send her a card from the girls?
Then sprout is due, I just planned on sending her a text message, like everyone else, to announce sprouts arrival. The other issues is what happens if sprout is born on her birthday, I dont know if I can deal with that! It scares the daylights out of me to no end!

Then there is the issue of her somehow getting hold of DH's mobile number and calling him whenever she gets on the booze, to abuse him. About the pain and suffering I am causing to her and the rest of my fmaily. I have told him not to answer the phone, but sometimes he just answers without checking who it is (especially at the moment, if the phone rings whilst he's at work, he just answers assuming its me saying Im in labour). Last night she rang him at 10:30, he was at work (chef) in the middle of a wedding. Her behaviour is just not on. Changing his number is not an option, its his work phone.

Im at a loss as to how to deal with it all. I need some advice, some ideas of how to cope with it all. I just cant be bothered using the energy to fight her, to have the emotional games in my life, I just wish I could disappear forever and a day and not have to deal with. I just dont know what to do.

[helle]

Re the phone... Can your hubby assign a special ring tone to her so he knows it's her without having to look?

[Blixie]

sorry she is making your life difficult. i like helle's suggestion of an assigned ringtone.
As for the birthday, yes probably a card from the kids if it wouldn't cause more conflict. I hope for your sake your bubby comes on any day other than her birthday.

[beansbeans!]

thanks ladies, Helle, I'll get him to do that. I have a different ringtone for her on my phone, have no idea why I didnt think of it for him!

[Kazzo]

Yeah, maybe try the ring tone, but I can just imagine when he is at work he would be concentrating so much on his job that that might not even be noticed. Can your carrier block her number?

We all know that most babies pick their birth dates and if Sprout does decide it will be that day then it might change the day from been a day you have bad feelings to it been a brand new day with a new meaning and new memories to wipe away the old ones. New and fantastic replacing old and horrible.

I think you need to decide if you want your mum in your life at all or how much. If you think you can have some room for her then I would send the birthday card and the sms but if you think that you have no more energy for her and you want her to stop contact then do the same. If you keep any sort of contact you are always leaving yourself open to her.

Who knows after a year or two of no contact it might make her change (even a little). It worked for me and my mum. She blamed me for EVERYTHING in her life so I stopped all contact for a year and it worked a bit, she is still far from the best but we can have a relationship. That might change if she ever decides to move closer then 10 hours away though

[~Hestia~]

Sorry you're dealing with this For her birthday I'd probably send a card from the girls. As for her calling your DH, can he block her number?

[Rivlas]

I think you can have the number blocked from his phone. He will need to contact his provider and ask them how to do it.

Until then give her an annoying ring tone so there is no way he won't know it's her.

All the best for the upcomong arrival of your baby.

[Calluna]

I don't have any other advice, the ring tone sounds like a good idea- I had the "psycho" theme assigned to my mum for a while, no mistaking that for anything else!

[peanutter]

ditto re getting her number allocated to a specific, VERY different ringtone or getting your service provider to block it.

up to you re sending a card from the girls - are you inviting her to continue/pursue a relationship with them? if not, I probably wouldn't send a card, so as to not risk her getting a mixed message.

if you are happy for her to continue seeing them, then yes, I'd send the card.

re the date - I understand ... we've got a similar situation coming up, and I'm just praying and keeping my fingers crossed that Ziggy behaves and stays up where it's warm until after that day has come and gone!! and if he doesn't comply, and he arrives on the yech date, well, that date will now have an awesome meaning, and hopefully that will cancel anything else out, and the other reasons that date previously stood out will all fade in comparison ... ?

you will cope. one day at a time.

[NaeNae]

Sweetheart - If you have made it clear to your mum that you are not tslking to her then DO NOT send her anything for her bday even from the girls - its mixed messages and it sets your girls up to be used as pawns ........ plain and simple.

thephone sounds sorted

fwiw my NM still has not yet met my DD. we invited her down (granted it was short notice) but she chose to cut her nose off to spite her face and sent DH a rather loaded text requesting more notice.

If bub comes on her birthday - there is nothing that can be said or done ...in fact its a pretty good reason to NOT be in contact with heron that day

be glad you can choose your friends x x

[~Hestia~]

After reading Nae's post, I think I have to agree with her about the card

[beansbeans!]

Thanks ladies, I talked to dh about changing his ring tone, which he is going to attempt to do. (he's not that handy with technology )

Peanutter, Thats a great way of thinking about the day. I do really hope that sprout stays well away from it but at this stage I would be so happy to meet sprout and start our new lives as a family of five Im sure I wouldnt even think about the date in the beginning. Im going to try and alter my thinking about the day just in case.

Nae, I havent made anything clear to her yet. I honestly have not spoken to her since she left. I have told my brother I want nothing more to do with her, but that was mainly to get him off my back. since boxing day, she has rang me once, which I didnt answer. Shes texted me a few times trying to make out it was all my fault, but shes not angry with me. I havent said anything or texted her anything because I just dont have the fight in me anymore. I cannot be bothered with any of it.
I definately dont want the girls to be used as pawns anything, yet this is where it gets confusing for me. Growing up, my relationship with relatives was governed by who she was and wasnt talking to. I swore to myself that when I was a parent I wouldnt take away my childrens right to have relationship with relatives on the basis of my relationships (does that make sense?) So in short I dont want to take away a relationship with a relative from them because of my problems, but then I dont want her in my life. Maybe the girls are too young to know about it, and will ask later in life. I just hope they dont have the hurt that I carry because of what I experienced growing up.

Christmas was the second time mum had met DD2, the first time was when we went up there for our niece's funeral when she was 6mths old. Its not like she makes an effort to visit or have a relationship with the girls anyhow.

Thanks ladies, you have given me lots to think about!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Phones can have a blacklist - mine does. So I can blacklist someone and the phone never even rings.

I'd be not sending a card or texting a BA.

Your girls have a right to have relationships with members of their family who are loving, caring and will not abuse them. Can you honestly put your mother in that category? Your girls not only have a right to but deserve a mother who is not scared of the telephone, constantly in tears or walking on eggshells. Can you give them that with your mother in your life? If your mother wants a relationship she can put in the effort - see if she does before stressing.

[Charlotte91]

Beez is due 3 days before SIL's birthday. 2 days before my brother's birthday. I don't care if he comes on my brother's birthday, but I'll be crossing my legs if he's coming on SIL's.

I agree with TFB. We're in the same situations with MIL. She's a negative influence on DD, and has not yet made a decision to change.
Your mother sounds alot like my MIL.

My advice would be to take the advice these wonderful ladies have given you.
Good luck, and if you want to talk feel free to PM me. I know what you're going through.

[NaeNae]

Nae, I havent made anything clear to her yet. I honestly have not spoken to her since she left. I have told my brother I want nothing more to do with her, but that was mainly to get him off my back. since boxing day, she has rang me once, which I didnt answer. Shes texted me a few times trying to make out it was all my fault, but shes not angry with me. I havent said anything or texted her anything because I just dont have the fight in me anymore. I cannot be bothered with any of it.
I definately dont want the girls to be used as pawns anything, yet this is where it gets confusing for me. Growing up, my relationship with relatives was governed by who she was and wasnt talking to. I swore to myself that when I was a parent I wouldnt take away my childrens right to have relationship with relatives on the basis of my relationships (does that make sense?) So in short I dont want to take away a relationship with a relative from them because of my problems, but then I dont want her in my life. Maybe the girls are too young to know about it, and will ask later in life. I just hope they dont have the hurt that I carry because of what I experienced growing up.
)

Sweets I understand really I do .... I swore I would never let my feelings about anyone, interfere with my childrens relationship with that person .... unless that person does the wrong thing by my child. My kids are too young to know whats good for them so its my job as their parent to ensure they are surrounded by loving, caring people who will be positive role models in their lives. Its my responsibility to ensure the right people are there to help model them into the people they have the potential to be

My mother pulls out all stops for everyone else, even babysits my niece. My SIL thinks the sun shines out of her butt. She admits to fault when talking to other people but CANNOT apologise or acknowledge her wrong doings when they have been done to me. Everybody deserves forgiveness but you need to ask for it in order to receive it. I want to lead by example for my girls. Even by offering life lines to people to give them an opportunity to do the right thing.

I am not saying you should forgive and forget, but if it helps to explain to your children that yes Nanny did the wrong thing and she needs "time out" to think about what she has done and given the opportunity to apologise.

Anyway, good luck hun,I have ceased all contact with my immediate family and as a result of our looooong running dispute, I have lost my extended family as they all believe my mothers crap.

Its hard emotionally, but they have also made their own minds up. My children will be told the truth when they are old enough.

[Kazzo]

I bet your glad yesterday has come and gone and sprout did not make their arrival

[xXHopeXx]

Oh hun I couldn't read this and not post i can't imagine the amount of stress you are under right now.

Although it may seem hard, I would definitely confront the in-laws, and explain (doesn't necessarily have to be in full detail, but enough they know whats happening) what your mum is really like and the reasons she's done this (according to her, then your version of events)
It will likely be awkward as anything, but they may surprise you with how understanding and supportive they are!

I would DEFINITELY be blocking her numbers from your and DH's phone now, and giving her warnings that of she doesn't back off that further action will be taken (dont have to say what, if you're not sure what you'd do, but it's the threat nonetheless)
Even after talking to the IL's, get them to block her number if they agree? I'm sure they wouldn't object to it seeing as they'd likely be gettin woken up at all hours of the night :/

I really hope things settle down Hun and sprout is born to a (relatively) stress-free mumma, and drama-free life


Sent from the mobile world of iPhones - while no doubt i should be elsewhere!

[beansbeans!]

Thanks hope;

After 11yrs of being together, the IL's dont know that my mum kicked me out of home, that she emotionally and physically abused and tormented me for years. That I was the adult in the house that cleaned, cooked and cared for my brother and her. That I didnt have a social life because I was either trapped in the house on weekends, or not allowed in the house at all. Wait that was every day just not weekends. No one knows that I would get up in the morning and try and find something for our lunches, that I would babysit in order to enable her drinking and gambling, that the money I earnt went on feeding my brother or to her so she could party away her life.
Im sure they know the relationship is different to others, but not sure how different. They have no idea about the random bouts of abuse I get because she likes to make herself better by putting me down.
I have no idea about what she has been saying this time round. I dont even know what she would have thought up for me to have done wrong.

Maybe I should as Dh to ask his mum? At least that way I know what I am dealing with without exposing myself too much?